Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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