I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
