I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
