All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
