he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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