it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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