pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
