I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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