I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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