the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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