The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
