i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
sex in a hospital.. check
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
