just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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