My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
