His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
