it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
