literally had 100 drinks last night.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
