shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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