I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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