Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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