Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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