Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
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