P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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