ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
