Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
