awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
