I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
