im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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