Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
