Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
