also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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