3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
