I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
