i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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