He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
