Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
