sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
