You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
