So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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