I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
