I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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