I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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