Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
