My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
