she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
