I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Randomize
