Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
