Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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