I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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