Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
