It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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