Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
