please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
