I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize