do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
