if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
