Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
