Please, let me fuck your mom
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
