She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
