Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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