never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
