my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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