Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
