the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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