He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
